Breastfeeding: My unrequited journey

For many women throughout the ages, the thought of breastfeeding was a time to bond with your beautiful child and look back on comfortably, although on the same token it was a painful experience. Many women have had trouble with this dawn of time super power some of us just didn't get quite "blessed" with. The image seems flawless with a calm, comforted baby and their doting mother sharing a special bond through a past time only they can share, yet this is still not the case for many, including myself. I wonder where did I go so wrong, time to time feeling I had failed my child and as a mother, is this not supposed to just happen? How could I run out of milk all of a sudden? Is there something wrong with me?

Despite the responses I received and the pressure I was put under when I couldn't breastfeed anymore, which was really hard for me as it would be for anyone, it felt at that time they should essentially tell the desert to rain. The answers to my minds many questions and self-doubt is quite simply: NO. The truth is THERE IS NOTHING WRONG, you are not wrong, you are human and are capable of great feats and sometimes those feats just don’t last as long as we hope and that’s OK. It took me a while to understand this and tell myself every moment, every day. Though I was uneducated when it came to pregnancy and the whole baby subject, as when it was time to discuss it in school at home, it was treated as awkward and very basic. So when questioning the midwives, nurses and doctors, I received the same response, does he have enough wet nappies, if so he is "fine", what more could I say with the little I knew that would convince them to check properly.

Yet as uneducated as I was, instinct began kicking in and told me otherwise, I reached out, read forums and as a mother you just know. So no, it was not just fine, how can it be just fine? I'm struggling to pump milk, I'm struggling to feed, I've tried every remedy and still no luck with the worse part being how it makes you feel as a mother. It is like watching a slow and very emotionally teetering death where I know what's wrong but no one else seems to understand or care. How could this happen and surely I cannot be so alone in this right? 

Well I was alone and when reaching out to other mums, I would always start with sorry to bother you or I hope this doesn't sound weird but.. Sometimes I get the occasional weird look, others were too experienced and we very carefree to say "by the fourth one you'll be fine". The magic word, FINE. Everything will work itself out, don't worry. It seemed I was on one side of the scale, they on the other as I had only just began my adventure. I realised then and there my child is different and so am I, my pregnancy was never to be an exact replica to anyone else, yet we can experience the same symptoms and this applies postnatally as well. 

I know my child and my body better than anyone else, we know when something is wrong and we will with all our love as a parent seek the solution. That is the very reason why we seek advice from is it not? I learnt questions are the only way to get the answers you need, the more the better. Revolutionary, I know. People will always have an opinion on something but sometimes, its not always right for you and your situation, but to keep asking as there will be someone who can truly help.

  

I have been fortunate to discover an online mothers group in all of this, which was still initially hard as I do enjoy talking to people in person and really being able to get a good grasp of what different solutions are available. They are generous in sharing experiences to various concerns anyone may have from; what brand of soap is safe to wash babies, to where to find formula on sale. So again, all these questions in my head I decided I would just ask:

"Is there anything you wished someone had told you before giving birth about breastfeeding or formula feeding? Some handy lessons or results you could pass on?"

To my surprise a mass of response flooded in, here are a few responses I got and I truly hope they help you if you have struggled with this task, simply had no idea or like myself, both.

"For me, I had it in my head from day one that I would breastfeed but never actually thought about what goes into successfully breastfeeding. I wish someone had told me just how hard it actually is, not just physically but mentally as well! So definitely keep and open mind to avoid disappointment if your preferred method of feeding doesn't go to plan! I preserved with breastfeeding but it didn't get any easier till about week 5-6! And I felt so much guilt at the thought of giving up! And if you choose to BF, Get lots of nipple cream! Haha I didn't even know it was a thing but it helped so much"

"My little one struggled to put on weight with breast milk and I couldn't express much so we had too him up with formula, but then found out he had a lip and tongue tie (which are super common these days) so once that was snipped it helped increase my milk supply. Not sure what your looking for... Oh and a bottle with a teet that works like a breast so they don't get nipple confusion and reject your breast, plus it helps them suck how they are designed to. Most generic bottles really aren't good..."

"That the hospital does not do a good job checking for tongue and lip tie. My son was "feeding great" when i left hospital and until my milk came in...he was faking it (which is common for the first few days) at 1 week old i was concerned about his latch and suck so had a private lactation consultant at home and immediately she found he was severely tongue lip and cheek tied and actually couldn't suck properly. We had this fixed the following day (water laser) and at 3weeks he is still learning how to breastfeed so is topped up with EBM."

"I wish someone had told me that breastfeed came with a few hurdles and not to give up. I struggled with my first 2 babies to get past the 4-6week mark because I felt they weren't getting enough off me as it seemed they were feeding all day and weren't settling and wish I persisted instead of chucking in the towel and putting it in the too hard basket. I am due with my 3rd in 3 weeks and really want to try and breastfeed for as long as possible. I never had any problems with any formulas though. Good luck."

"I wish someone said the first two weeks are the hardest and breastfeeding does not come naturally it is exhausting! And breast is not best the mothers sanity is best! Oh and every one but u will be able to calm and sooth your baby to sleep because when u as a mother tries all Bub does is smell your milk and go stir crazy!!!"

"Formula feeding is great! You bond just as well to your baby. There’s just as many hurdles with formula though bottles too fast, too slow cleaning etc. Formula not being in stock or upsetting babies tummy then am i over feeding under feeding etc. And guess what hardly any sound advice on it to. but I combi fed which had a whole new range of issues. But don’t feel like formula is bad!"

"Follow babies lead not the clock and when in doubt whip it out. Never doubt the super powers of breast milk no matter how many misinformed people/drs tell you they need formula top ups.

I wish someone told me about nipple shields. Without them my little boy couldn't latch and I went a week in tears trying to get him to feed before someone suggested I try one."

"I suggest if you have any difficulties feeding in the beginning see a lactation consultant!! Don't put it off! Things you may start struggle with don't have to struggle with! They can help so so much! That's my advice oh and lansinoh! Get it! All the best"

"I didn't ask for help with my first and our be journey ended sooner than it had to (4 mths). However with my second totally different, got lots of help and the right education and I'm still feeding her at 2 yrs old.”

“Exactly!! If it wasn't for a friend of my sisters I wouldn't have seen a LC and would have taken doctors and others advice which wouldn't have helped me at all. My son was checked for tongue ties by the hospital lactation consultant and she totally missed it. (Mater) so I went and seen the LC at good a health and fixed the found tie & life got a litter easier and with their help."

"Things I learnt from my 1st and took to my second. Don't wait for help, go see a lactation consultant as soon as you have an issue, double and triple check for lip and tongue ties and have them attended to immediately also prepare for at least 6 weeks of getting the hang of it, so many things change in that time that sometimes no 2 feeds will be the same and most of all feed your baby weather it be breast or formula so long as your baby has food in their belly that’s all that matters."

"Going from my experience as a young mother of 18 with my first child I would say not to let people make you feel like you are an abusive mother or somehow lacking because you formula feed......whatever a mother chooses to do should be respected and both breastfeeding or formula feeding mums don't need judgement or abuse."

"Agree with above, don't time anything just follow baby's lead with breastfeeding - people will say 'oh are you feeding *again*' - it took me awhile to be confident that bub was doing what they needed and it was ok to feed on demand. Also from what I can gather, you can't over feed with breastfeeding, sometimes they just want to comfort suck. But in the end, getting bub fed and keeping mum sane is the most important thing."

"I wish someone had told me that a fed baby is best, breast or bottle doesn't matter just fed and that breast isn't best for everyone"

The best advice I got given and am sharing with you is:

"Don't be a hero when it comes to breastfeeding. If you're stressed and drained and on deaths door, a bottle is not defeat, its survival. And people who say 'back in the day mums didn't have formula and they survived' can bugger right off. Those mums 'back in the day' also still had the village to help raise kids."

I may say, I only made it two months into breastfeeding but it was so much more, it was two months of loving it and hating it, two months of bonding and two months of the best I could give and no one can ever take that achievement away from me.

We are all in this together, Esther.